rainshaveceased

I would not propose something so painful.

Only something moderately painful?

Edited 2022-01-09 03:07 (UTC)

Growth can be quite uncomfortable, but is it not worthwhile?

Can it be considered growth if the goal is to recover my old memories?

Certainly. Unless you have no desire to remember?

I don't know.

....I see.

I have said before but I do not wish us to regress to who we once were. That would be rejecting all we have been through and become. Even should that be imperfect.

Yet I wonder if you can truly move forward without remembering.

But that is something only you can decide.

[closes his eyes and falls quiet for a long while again

actually he's so quiet that maybe he just fell asleep?]

[Well that's fine? He'll shift slightly to get more comfortable, brushing his fingertips up and down Elidibus's spine softly. If he's asleep he'll just bask in being able to hold him. Why would he interrupt?]

[muttering softly, like he really is half asleep,]

...Vergil said I used to play the piano.

[He tucks his face against Elidibus's hair.]

You used to be good at many things. You had more interests than even I know of, I'm sure.

... Do you wish to play the piano?

I have been thinking about it. That maybe it would be nice if I could do something like that. But...

But?

[shakes his head. don't make him talk about it]

[He gently tilts Elidibus's head up.]

Talk to me? If this has weighed on your mind, I would hear it

Did we not already agree that I did not have to speak of my fears right now?

..... You cannot bring it up and expect me not to pry at least somewhat.

[sigh]

Fair enough, I suppose.

There is... a vast gulf, it seems to me, between who I was and what I am now. So vast that just the idea of attempting to cross it is quite terrifying.

[He strokes Elidibus's cheeks with his thumbs, looking at him thoughtfully.]

It is hard to comprehend the man I once was.

And yet I can imagine that for you it is an even more daunting prospect. Which is why I do not want you to feel as if being that man is what you should be. Even to remember may be as painful and overwhelming as it might be enlightening or useful. Which is why it is your choice.

What part of it terrifies you so?

[with a bitter breath of a laugh]

Everything?

That my memories won't be as happy as I imagine them to be. That they will be happier and I will be faced with the full weight of what I have lost. That I will find myself wanting in comparison to my past self. That I will not even be able to recognise myself in that self. That my memories will not even feel like my own.

...Perhaps if those memories were all you had, that might overwhelm you.

[He tilts Elidibus's face up, kisses him very softly.]

I will not deny your fears. I will not claim they are unfounded, or unwarranted.

But there are new memories we intend to make, you, myself, Emet-Selch, together. Ones that will grow as we add to them day in and out. What we have been through will never be less painful, or tragic, or have changed us any less.

But what we can look forward to shall surely be more than what has passed, for we will ever nurture and grow it.

And none of us will take the blessings we fight for for granted, whether you remember everything or not.

I will hold you to those words.

[and he's cupping lahabrea's face with both hands to kiss him, this time harder than before]

[He's momentarily surprised by the vehemence, but he responds quickly. Fingers sliding back to grip Elidibus's hair against his scalp. Tilting his head in the kiss to part his lips and lick Elidibus's own lightly.]

[opening his own mouth as well, but that momentary burst of confidence is fading and he's not entirely sure how much is actually appropriate? because clearly that is a big concern?]

[Elidibus is a mess. It's a day ending in y.

He's not giving Elidibus a chance to agonize over it though because when his lips part he's slipping his tongue between them, tasting his mouth and keeping hold of the back of his head firmly. For all it is relatively slow and gentle it is no less heated for it.]

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